The slug was very pleased with the positive feedback on our first coaching secrets article, so for the next lesson in understanding how these great minds motivate champions, we bring you another gem from down Putney way, which demonstrates how two separate coaches address the same problem with the same crew, from different angles...

"now, just think about the ONE thing we are concentrating on this outing: really pushing off slowly with your legs, making sure you've locked on properly with fast light fluffy hands at the catch, working the acceleration through to the finish, squeeze through that last section hand=body=legs together, release fast hands then Slooooo-ooow body and smoooth it through, light, keeping the weight of the blades in the hands holding the legs ready prepare for the catch fast in lock on and there."

"Oh-kay. Just think about rowing. All of it."


We are proud to be able to bring you the following top secret coaching techniques, straight from the rowing hotbed that is Putney embankment. These are guaranteed to fully test out any crew's mental toughness... well, the slug presumes that's what the coach had in mind at the time.

To begin, simply hop in the launch and let the crew go through their normal warm up for about 5 minutes. When the time is right, hoon right up the stern of their boat and sit on them like a hawk.

Once they have started to look nervous, you should commence the following verbal barrage, making sure that you say each sentence like you really, really mean it!

  • "Ok, this session I want you all to relax, just let it flow, let the boat move for you"
  • "Seven you've tensed up a little there, I said relax"
  • " your shoulders have tensed up and your all wrong at the front end, just relax I said"
  • "Ok that's good now just get in time with everyone and you'll be fine"
  • "Everyone else just concentrate on what I said, think about your own rowing and just follow exactly what the person in front of you is doing"
  • "No 6...don't follow 7 he is out of time and tense, now you are"
  • "6 you're early, no now you're late, just get in time with 7"
  • "7 just relax, not there, yeh there, no there, ok now you're late, no early just relax...don't think about too much at once...hands away, body over, let it flow, hold the knees down, control into the catch, just place it...don't tense up now, RELAX I SAID, think about one thing at a time"

  • "Everyone listen to the sound of the boat (revving engine overtime) and all say 'there' with each catch"
  • "Let the boat move you, 3 you're ahead of the boat, just go with its speed"
  • "2 you're early and so are you 5, just place it there. There, no not there but there, yeh thats not bad but you're all tense, except stroke, everyone copy stroke...stroke now you're early, no late, still late..relax, the crew will follow"
  • "Stroke still early"
  • "Everyone else just move with the body in front of you...except stroke because he is you're late"
  • "Ok 7 I don't want to harp on you but you are trying to stroke the boat from your seat, just follow the stroke"
  • "Stroke you're out of time"

  • "Look everyone just close your eyes...Now watch the arms going away of the person in front of you"
  • "Think about moving together, 5 that's moving apart, together, there, almost, no you've got it all wrong...there. Just a little quicker, no you're still late, well done, hold that stroke...5 now you're early just remember that last stroke and try to do it again"
  • "4 - head up and let the outside shoulder relax it but keep it high don't drop it down into the catch and square not when I say, when 6 and stroke square up"
  • "Bow you should be quicker in, no! not early just quick, you're late, still late, now you're early, Bow tears will get you no where...ok easy oar"
  • "Not you Bow, just the rest of the keep rowing, quick catch, not there, There, now you're early, still...late now, come one bow, it isn't hard you have no one to're late"
  • "Cox'n keep the boat straight - how can bow be expected to be on time if you're veering into the don't get 2 to touch it, I don't want him rowing I want bow rowing by himslef, that is the whole point of this exercise, straighten it up with the rudder"
  • "Bow I didn't ask you to stop rowing!"

  • "Ok this is bloody shithouse, lets start again."

    Guaranteed to reduce grown men to tears, or your money back!


    The Slug can exclusively reveal that the unusual weather conditions at Metropolitan reagatta last weekend were in fact covering up some even stranger fluctuations in the time space continuum... That or we were graced with the presence of fat aliens with strange powers..

    Our reason for reaching this conclusion is that while sliming around at the Met on Saturday, the Slug overhead a (fat) rower, (who must remain nameless), giving an accurate and entirely unemotional account of his crew's performance in what might or might not have been the Elite Coxless 4- final. "We were only a length and a half off Molesey, and London were 3 lengths behind us" this nameless individual was heard to be bellowing to anyone who hadn't heard it before.

    Exercising our right to correct any glaring factual inaccuracies, the Slug would like to point out that the published results showed that the anonymous crew in question were infact over 7 seconds behind Molesey - with London compressing that enormous 3 length deficit to a mere 5 seconds.

    With these alien induced distortions of time and space - the Slug feels it only right to ask: just what planet do some rowers come from?