|OLD ROWERS NEVER DIE|
...they just behave very badly at the FISA World Masters every September
The Slug made the annual trip to the Masters last weekend, this year's event was in Hazelwinkel and we're happy to report that the behaviour of the competitors was down to the expected standards. As is usual with this event, the real dirt must remain buried, due to the marital status of all involved, purely to protect the innocent you understand (as they obviously were not present) but we have a selection of less traumatic slime for your enjoyment...
Despite the best efforts of the French to sabbotage the event, and prevent the GB squad from competing, all squad members and boats duly arrived in time for the commencement of racing. This was a particularly notable achievement in the case of our local mustachioed Empacher breeder, who arrived with a trailer loaded with 29 boats but only sporting 3 wheels!
On Wednesday evening, Mr Terry Baker, that erstwhile coxswain from Oxford, gave a prime display of what too much dieting and too little pre-Masters training in the bar can lead to. By 11pm he was incapable of standing let alone managing the 22K from the restaurant to his tent by the course. Fortunately a fellow cox took pity on him and lent him her floor. He must have really suffered as a result of insufficient training, as he was heard to comment the next morning that he had a really comfortable night's sleep.
The Happy Bunch, not noted for their speed in a IV-, produced a supersonic result in the Vet A IV- on Friday, reputedly crossing the line in a whopping 2.59. Unfortunately this was insufficient to win the event as they came foruth to a crew which allegedly crossed the line in 2.52. As much as the slug would like to believe these results, we do note that most of the Vet B VIII's recorded slower times.... The Happy Bunch's form returned to normal, however, in the Vet B coxed and coxless IV, as their time in the coxed boat was 3 seconds faster than in the coxless. (????)
The Thames women committed the most widely discussed error in the event. For when they came to put their VIII together they discovered that they had brought um.... two halves of two different boats. Fortunately, the nice people at Gloucester Rowing Club came to their rescue and loaned them a new boat in which they went on to win the WD8 title.
This little incident only just managed to beat the organisational attempts of Thames Tradesmen who brought their vet A VIII all the way to Hazelwinkel, but er, only managed to arrange for 6 of the 8 oarsmen to come.
Events amongst the GB camp continued to defy belief when Maurice Rayner of London, who is a sprightly 71, managed to break a Dreissigacker in two during his vet G pairs race.
As if to prove that FISA Masters can have its caring, sharing, family oriented moments, Quintin's winning C VII, boasted that to the best of their knowledge they were carrying the first ever winning father and son combination in Willy and Ken Almand.
Quintin also won the Vet B VIII, but only because the Dynamo Moscow VIII which romped across the line ahead of them was disqualified. It seems that the DM 8 had a renegade Dutchman on board, although his presence had not been made known to the organisers. Furthermore, as he was the only member of the crew who could speak any English it was he who was interviewed by the commentator on the winners pontoon.... too bad for them he boasted of winning his third medal that day....
As Saturday evening and the end of the serious (i.e. non-mixed racing) drew near, thoughts turned to the Irish and their traditional offering of a glass of lovely black beer. They had done all their preparations well, bringing barrels and glasses and a compressor, and even having negoitated the use of the Concept II tent to keep the raindrops off our heads. We had high expectations of their legendary hospitality. Too bad that the bottle of compressed gas they brought was empty....
As the evening continued, the gatecrashers made much of the party in the marquee at the course, undeterred by the absence of the Quinitn boys, who proved that their club's reputation is well deserved... The mustachioed one had removed their boats at dusk, therefore ensuring that there was NO possibility that any of them might do the unthinkable and participate in the following day's mixed racing (all for their own good of course...). And the boys themselves? Well, as everyone knows, they find it impossible to interact with women in anything resembling a normal manner, so while rowing men from all over the world were competing for the attention of rowing women from all over the world in the disco at the course, where were the Quintin boys?....
... In a lapdancing club in Antwerp of course.
In the Vet B mixed VIII's, the girls from St Andrews showed the rest of the field what mixed racing is all about. Not to be outdone by their sisters from the south, they managed to persuade a talented (and we are not just talking about rowing ability here) Vet A IV from Brazil to do the mixed event with them.
They didn't win, but then that isn't what it is about is it?
THE LIGHTER SIDE OF THE OLYMPICS
Uses for an Olympic Torch number 103... Our latest photographic submission from down under shows that as the Olympic torch wings its way every closer to Sydney, for the opening ceremony, the locals are still treating the whole event with the utmost respect.. (cough cough)
Click on the picture to see it enlarged.
After Oxford City ROYAL (thank you very much) Regatta, the denizens of Falcon Rowing Club and assorted hangers-on, including a small but well-trained OUWBC fighting patrol, ventured out onto the Isis on the now-traditional post-regatta Booze Crooze.
As well as (and probably because of) the usual copious amounts of drinking, highlights of the evening included:
Will "we were two, no three, probably FOUR lengths down and we still won" H*rb*rts*n being the lucky recipient of some (ahem) "oral action" from a certain Pembroke College rower. Falcon club skipper Dave "Smiffy" Smiff being simultaneously flattened and stripped after trying his luck once to often with the above-mentioned OUWBC hit squad.
Fortunaltely the slug can report that there were no other casualties and the boat returned safely to Oxford, where the party moved to the altogether more restrained City of Oxford RC disco and meat barn.
MONEY, MONEY, MONEY...
Now you may or may not have heard of Hollingworth Lake Rowing Club based at Rochdale in Lancs but they're holding a 500m sprint regatta this Sunday. Now normally nobody would bother going up to this hole but the numbers this year have increased dramatically, which the slug suspects may just have something to do with the fact that they are offering a £1,000 victor ludorum as well as other cash prizes.
Quick off the mark, Grosvenor RC has flooded this papier mache pot regatta with entries (well, as many as they can manage at this time of year) and by all accounts, were pretty confident of winning the dosh, well until they checked the draw last night...
...oh dear. For it appears that they're not the only ones on the scent of cash as University of London Tyrian are making the trek...... obviously thinking they will clean up against small he Northern clubs and leg it with the £1,000.
HAVE YOU BEEN SLIMED?
I know I've been muttering about Underground T-shirts on and off for years, but I've finally managed to find a company who can print up what I want at a reasonable price.
So, for a limited period only, the slug is offering those who have suffered on these pages the chance to revel in their 15 minutes of fame by purchasing an "I've been slimed... long sleeved T-shirt.
A mock up of the design is shown below (apologies for bad drawing), current estimates are that these (fruit of the loom) tops, will cost about £10 to £12 each. If enough people are interested I'll go ahead and get them made up, though there is no minimum order, so could be very exclusive...
Only available for those who have been mentioned over the last three years of sliming, or people who are particluarly good at begging, so if you're interested please e-mail us at email@example.com with:
your name; the size you would likeand how you were unfortunate enough to feature
A CHALLENGE IS ISSUED!
The Worcester boys are feeling most put out by the slug’s recent allegations that their elite VIII are a load of tee-total party poopers who don’t know how to enjoy themselves. So the slug would like to reassure those of you who feel this sort of behaviour to be an affront to all that is good and glorious in the world of rowing, that in truth, their actions on Saturday night appear to be significantly saucier than we first reported…
The coach of the crew has reassured the slug that he sent his boys to Peterborough, with instructions to enjoy themselves on the piss and let the rowing come second, after what has been a reasonably successful year for their club. Taking their orders seriously the boys obliged and started the evening by attempting to drink the bar out of all the canned beers by about 7pm, after consuming, what can be loosely be described as 'lager', for several hours they then decided vodka and Redbull was the way forward and when they found out after several of these, that the vodka had run out, they started requesting 'anything alcoholic with a Redbull in'
Indeed the slug can easily confirm their story, as when they fell into their campsite, they found one of the Twickenham girls (allegedly a 'little leprechaun' as she was called gigi and Cox sized…?) in a tent with one of their crewmates, apparently ruining what could have been 'a very beautiful moment'.
So, you can imagine the boys distress when they found out that, although they thought they all woke up in a field, in puddles of their own vomit, with tastes in their mouths resembling that of the winner of an asbestos eating contest and heads apparently about to explode - they had in fact all been tucked up at home, after a training trip and psychological preparation, ready for the most important race of their career, that of the 500m sprint against two other crews.
The Worcester boys are keen to clear their name after “performing well against those who let their hair down at the end of the season by having three lager shandys then claiming to have lost due to being completely wasted.”
As one of the crewmembers put it “ I don't recall seeing the pretty boys of Black & White in the marquee. Was there a 'members' lounge?? It would be hard to miss those lovely sun tans and cheesey smiles. Perhaps there was another party!!!! As for Sunday’s race, I guess beer and ale leaves less of a hangover than fine wines and cognac! Perhaps next time we'll take their girlfriends as well as their pots - treat them to the pleasures of real men.”
And indeed Worcester wish to issue a challenge to any of the London clubs who enter elite eights, who would like to take Worcester on to a 'beer race' at Ross regatta, either the night before or after the regatta. They will only be too pleased to oblige. - Coaches included.
WORCESTER BUT NO SAUCE
Worcester appears to be suffering from an affliction common in small clubs who have had a couple of good seasons... taking themselves far too seriously as well as the resultant syndrome of needing to prove themselves at any given opportunity.
For we have it on good authority that the Worcester boys were taking things so seriously at Peterborough that rather than joining in the party, they went home to bed on Sat night, in order to be fresh for Sunday, when they were concentrating on their elite VIII. Their strategy appears to have paid off as they beat Molesey and London to win the event, but as far as the slug is concerned, such behaviour is tantamount to cheating, I mean what next??? training together before an event...?
IF YOU GO INTO THE WOODS TODAY...
The best excuse for not turning up on time for a race must be that given by 'Deadly' Doug McCowen, formerly of Sons of the Thames and now of Wallingford.
Doug arrived to join his crew by the water's edge at Peterborough on Saturday soaked to the skin and mumbling about 'quicksand'.
Apparently, he got caught short on his way to the boat and nipped into the woods by the course to relieve himself.... but the secluded spot he picked turned out to be a swamp - into which he sank up to his waist.
After extrecating himself he found himself wearing brown lycra and had to plunge himself into the River Nene to clean off.
Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase 'popping off to the bog'?
PETERBORO' OH PETERBORO'
This is all I can remember through the drunken haze of Saturday night and my resultant hangover.. No doubt more will surface soon, and I can't wait to get the photos back...
The sun shone on Peterborough regatta on Saturday, leading the organisers to speculate that the numbers joining in the evening’s naked rowing would soar because of the hot weather, they weren’t wrong.
A naked Thames coxless IV suffered from the problems associated with rowing in the dark when you’re beered up and came a cropper after hitting one of the stake boats at speed. The slug was most impressed with the resulting damage to bow’s rigger and indeed to bow himself, who is now sporting a fine set of bruises. When the slug surveyed the damage the following morning, the errant steersman remained stoical about the whole thing “it was dark, and I just didn’t see it… I knew it was there somewhere…” he smiled. (The rigger has passed on to the great boatyard in the sky.)
The only other reported injury of the evening was a naked swimmer who got clipped round the head twice by the blades of a passing boat in the dark. Elated that he had survived his near death experience with a IV, unscathed, he leapt up out of the water and cheered once it had passed…except um.. it wasn’t a IV, it was an VIII… THWACK, THWACK he got clobbered twice more…
The cox’n of a Lancaster John O’Groats crew, approached a visiting member of Belfast Rowing club, and declared that if he took his sculling boat “Wet Lemon” out for a naked scull on Saturday night, she would cox her crew's coxed IV race on Sunday morning, topless. The challenge issued, young Richard had no option but to oblige. The following morning at 10am, the crowds gathered by the side of the lake, in anticipation of the heat - would she or wouldn’t she? Bearing in mind that the same woman has streaked on national Television (Old Trafford????) the general consensus was that she would, using her lifejacket to retain her modesty. But the crowds were disappointed, for the heat passed fully clothed. The slug soon discovered that instead of the topless race, she had “got her baps out” in a naked IV the night before - but only after insisting that the crew was all male. After the row, caught up in the frenzied excitment that is Naked rowing, she got out of the boat and gave every member of the crew, a great big hug…
Off the water, the drunken fun continued in the tent, with a fine and extensive display of naked pole climbing and there were quite a few people walking around on Sunday with taped up hands after suffering from rope burn. Top pole climber of the evening was Twickenham boy Nick Lane, who shimmied up the pole a whole four times, sporting a variety of wigs and not a lot else.
After the party ended the usual drunken exploits and tent swapping continued. One of the London boys narrowly escaped being named and shamed by the News of the World after pulling a junior, luckily it turned out she was 16 and therefore “legal”, though the cries of “CHILD MOLESTER!” could be clearly heard echoing down the course during his race the following morning. The immoral behaviour wasn’t restricted to LRC, as a certain member of Twickenham rowing club was observed engaging in a spot of “Home wrecking” but that’s another story …
And fianlly, while I'm on the subject of wrecking homes, a female member of Thames Rowing club was staggering back to the campsite when she came across a car complete with keys in the ignition and decided she wanted to go for a drive. She didn’t get very far however as there was a tent in the way, don’t worry, there wasn’t anyone in it at the time but the slug can imagine how delighted its owner must have been to fing his tent emerging from under the wheels of a Ford Escort…
ROWERS 1 CRUISERS NIL
Monday night, saw the tideway at its worst - high and coming in with plenty of ignorant bastards in cruisers charging along. Against their better instincts, some of the London boys decided to go out in the angry octopus that is their quad.
It was long before their worst fears were realised and the cruiser Connaught came charging by "bounce, bounce, bounce" it went, heading past Harrods at speed. Suddenly and without warning Mr M Hawes (of lycra-soiling fame)cracked.
"Easy lads", he called... then as the quad stopped, proceeded to take his feet out of his shoes, stand up and turn around. As the cruiser passed by (the owner wearing a jocular captain's cap, of course) young Hawsie pulled his all-in-one down and bent over, patting his arse as he did so.
Needless to say the rest of the boys in blue pissed themselves laughing, while the cruiser driver was beside himself with impotent fury! The slug can only guess at what the two Vesta girly scullers, who were next to them at the time thought!!!